like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
