Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
