If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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