Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
