i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
