I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
