yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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