god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
