I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
