you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
It's official drugs can't kill me
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
