my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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