I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Randomize
