did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
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