I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
