I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Randomize
