the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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