I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
