I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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