birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
