OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Randomize
