I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
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