McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Randomize
