you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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