why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize
