I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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