My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
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