It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
