Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
