once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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