i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Randomize
