I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
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