i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
