so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Randomize
