i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
