i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
