My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
