i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
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