Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
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