Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
