Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Randomize
