Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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