were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
