i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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