I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Randomize
