It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
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