he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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