which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
Randomize
