Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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