Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
