I wish life had little blips of pornography
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
